You know what is horrendous about "recovery" aka pseudo-recovery? When you're a former bulimic like me, you get fat! I miss my underweight BMI gorram it! You still crave food. However, you've lost the "will power" to stick you fingers down your throat until blood and bile pour out every time something passes your lips. The thoughts, the self-loathing, the doubt, the baggy clothes, the obsession with food, the binges, are all still staples of your petty existence, but you don't purge enough to offset the food intake anymore. Laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, spending hours on tread mills, still make appearances in your life, but not enough to prevent weight gain. You should have never tried to "get better". Now you're stuck in limbo, not sick, not diagnosable with an eating disorder, but hating yourself and looking as revolting as ever. There may have always been excess fat, but at least back then you could see rib bones and hip bones when you stood up. *sigh*
And then you crawl out of the black hole of self-pity and distract yourself with writing or studying...
No comments:
Post a Comment