Wow

Thanks to someone commenting on a post *gasp* I'm back. :)

Update:

I'm taking time off school right now because of ED and depression. :( My mom keeps mentioning treatment. 


I hate her mixed messages. Most days she could care less if I finish a meal, when I was on weight gain or soon after treatment, she was militant. However, now that I am fat, it is okay to not eat.

What is worse is that she came home while I was cleaning dishes from a failed binge (some of the ingredients where bad) and she says, "Oh, good! You were saved by the bad vegetable oil!" Then, not 10 minutes later, I said I was going to use a separate plate for one of my vegetables for dinner because I don't like it touching my other food. So, she says, "That sounds like a food ritual. Would Remuda let you do that?"

To which I reply, "No. Good thing I'm not at Remuda."

Then she says, "Well, if you keep heading this way, you will be"

WTF??? Am I being too sensitive? Plus, after dinner (and after a mini-lecture about me having to prove I am ready to go back to school in the fall), she was going shopping and she asked if we should get coffee cake for a weekend away. I asked what she was thinking and she said, "If we can to be beautiful for the wedding (my brother's!!), we shouldn't"

One of my good friends got into a great school! I'm a little jealous because I want to go there for either law school of grad school in psychology.

So-Called "Recovery"

Mini-rant, completely unrelated to sci-fi/fantasy or writing:

You know what is horrendous about "recovery" aka pseudo-recovery? When you're a former bulimic like me, you get fat! I miss my underweight BMI gorram it! You still crave food. However, you've lost the "will power" to stick you fingers down your throat until blood and bile pour out every time something passes your lips. The thoughts, the self-loathing, the doubt, the baggy clothes, the obsession with food, the binges, are all still staples of your petty existence, but you don't purge enough to offset the food intake anymore. Laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, spending hours on tread mills, still make appearances in your life, but not enough to prevent weight gain. You should have never tried to "get better". Now you're stuck in limbo, not sick, not diagnosable with an eating disorder, but hating yourself and looking as revolting as ever. There may have always been excess fat, but at least back then you could see rib bones and hip bones when you stood up. *sigh*

And then you crawl out of the black hole of self-pity and distract yourself with writing or studying...

Celebrities and Eating Disorders

Oddly, before this most recent relapse, I couldn't have cared less about celebrities. However, this time around I've gotten interested in a few actresses whose talent and bodies I envy. I would die for their bodies. I do not mean that literally at the moment. However, there was a point in my life where I would have rather died thin than lived as disgusting as I am now. I adore celebrities who are talented and beautiful but don't have bones sticking out everywhere. For instance, Miracle Laurie from Dollhouse or Amber Benson from Buffy (at least when she was on the show). Then there are those whose ribs jut out when they wear tight clothes. Eliza Dushku is thin, not emaciated, but most likely underweight (I can see chest bones and ribs- watch dollhouse or search google images *note* I am not accusing her or anyone of having and eating disorder). I noticed the other day that she follows the "Team True Beauty." I wonder if anyone in L.A. actually believes that inner beauty counts for much or if it is a PR or a feel-good thing. Clearly, one's looks are paramount in the acting business. I'd like to hear what she (Eliza) thinks about it. Also, how can pretty people say anything about inner-beauty? I'm not saying pretty people are not good or nice people or that they don't have to work for what they get. If you're beautiful but you are impossible to be around or you aren't good at something, beauty alone won't create success. I'm saying they haven't had to rely solely on their "inner-beauty" showing through.

Do you think celebrities really mean it when they say things about inner beauty or support ed recovery things, etc?

Additionally, psychological research has shown that physical appearance does affect people.

http://www.jyi.org/volumes/volume6/issue6/features/feng.html