Hmmm, maybe I should come back here. I don't know. In the meantime, I made a new blog. I am the queen of procrastination. >:(
http://masochistmusing.wordpress.com/
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wow
Thanks to someone commenting on a post *gasp* I'm back. :)
Update:
I'm taking time off school right now because of ED and depression. :( My mom keeps mentioning treatment.
I hate her mixed messages. Most days she could care less if I finish a meal, when I was on weight gain or soon after treatment, she was militant. However, now that I am fat, it is okay to not eat.
What is worse is that she came home while I was cleaning dishes from a failed binge (some of the ingredients where bad) and she says, "Oh, good! You were saved by the bad vegetable oil!" Then, not 10 minutes later, I said I was going to use a separate plate for one of my vegetables for dinner because I don't like it touching my other food. So, she says, "That sounds like a food ritual. Would Remuda let you do that?"
To which I reply, "No. Good thing I'm not at Remuda."
Then she says, "Well, if you keep heading this way, you will be"
WTF??? Am I being too sensitive? Plus, after dinner (and after a mini-lecture about me having to prove I am ready to go back to school in the fall), she was going shopping and she asked if we should get coffee cake for a weekend away. I asked what she was thinking and she said, "If we can to be beautiful for the wedding (my brother's!!), we shouldn't"
One of my good friends got into a great school! I'm a little jealous because I want to go there for either law school of grad school in psychology.
Update:
I'm taking time off school right now because of ED and depression. :( My mom keeps mentioning treatment.
I hate her mixed messages. Most days she could care less if I finish a meal, when I was on weight gain or soon after treatment, she was militant. However, now that I am fat, it is okay to not eat.
What is worse is that she came home while I was cleaning dishes from a failed binge (some of the ingredients where bad) and she says, "Oh, good! You were saved by the bad vegetable oil!" Then, not 10 minutes later, I said I was going to use a separate plate for one of my vegetables for dinner because I don't like it touching my other food. So, she says, "That sounds like a food ritual. Would Remuda let you do that?"
To which I reply, "No. Good thing I'm not at Remuda."
Then she says, "Well, if you keep heading this way, you will be"
WTF??? Am I being too sensitive? Plus, after dinner (and after a mini-lecture about me having to prove I am ready to go back to school in the fall), she was going shopping and she asked if we should get coffee cake for a weekend away. I asked what she was thinking and she said, "If we can to be beautiful for the wedding (my brother's!!), we shouldn't"
One of my good friends got into a great school! I'm a little jealous because I want to go there for either law school of grad school in psychology.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I WANT TO BE A DOLL
No...not a manequin or a doll a little girl plays with. I want to be a Doll/Active in the Dollhouse!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
You Know You Need to Loose Weight When...
The "fat pants" you bought when you reached your previous high weight are starting to make a muffin top. *gag*
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Purging
I've decided I need to start purging everything again. I'm at my highest weight EVER and this is unacceptable. For years, I have tried to either eat healthily to maintain my weight or to loose healthily. However, I have never been able to do either. I need to loose weight and restricting/fasting/binging/purging (exercise, laxatives,diuretics) are the only ways I know how. I need to fit into a size 00 by Comic Con (August 11-14). I have no idea what I would currently be because I refuse to by new clothes from my old fat clothes, so I just wear really ill-fitting stuff.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Titles Require Too Much Thought...
Currently experiencing cognitive dissonance because I am here/ on twitter/ on facebook/ checking email instead of studying... The thought of studying makes me sleepy. It is 9 pm here. Bored now.
Wake-up call from NASA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix3CjnHzN74&feature=player_embedded lol, the space shuttle specialist is a fan of J-bird
Wake-up call from NASA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix3CjnHzN74&feature=player_embedded lol, the space shuttle specialist is a fan of J-bird
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
James Marsters...Dollhouse...The Guild...
James Marsters is going to Chicago Comic-Con again! I met him last year. It was his birthday. He was extremely nice (and I was just tagging along with my friend, I didn't buy an autograph)! His hand was hurt, so he couldn't shake hands properly, but he tried to. The attempts were funny. I'm excited to see him again. He commented on my friend's shirt and Nicholas Brendon commented on mine, so, lame though it may be, we are both going to have those same t-shirts.
Dollhouse comics:
I don't have them yet, but I haven't heard any good review so far. :( Also, they are pre-epitaph one but apparently, they do not deal with our main characters, only Mag and company. Boo... If I could choose what was in them, I would have Whiskey/Saunder's past revealed, I would have her story from when she left in early season 2 to becoming clyde to coming back as saunders to reverting to whiskey explained, I would also want to hear about Topher, Adelle and Echo's evolution as characters, as well as what went on in the world, what Echo and Paul were doing, I'd want to hear about the Tech heads and Anthony, as well as Safe Haven...I'll buy them anyway when I have the time to read them/ the money and then I'll review them.
In other news, one of the writers for Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog /Dollhouse/ the actress who played Kilo, Maurissa Tancharoen, is going to be in The Guild!
Dollhouse comics:
I don't have them yet, but I haven't heard any good review so far. :( Also, they are pre-epitaph one but apparently, they do not deal with our main characters, only Mag and company. Boo... If I could choose what was in them, I would have Whiskey/Saunder's past revealed, I would have her story from when she left in early season 2 to becoming clyde to coming back as saunders to reverting to whiskey explained, I would also want to hear about Topher, Adelle and Echo's evolution as characters, as well as what went on in the world, what Echo and Paul were doing, I'd want to hear about the Tech heads and Anthony, as well as Safe Haven...I'll buy them anyway when I have the time to read them/ the money and then I'll review them.
In other news, one of the writers for Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog /Dollhouse/ the actress who played Kilo, Maurissa Tancharoen, is going to be in The Guild!
Help?
I keep selecting the option for it to not track my own page views but it appears to be doing so and it is frustrating because it makes it seem like there is actually traffic. When I click on the option it makes me choose it all over again, so for some reason it isn't saving the choice. If anyone knows how to fix this, I'd appreciate it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Damn you finals!
I really, really need to be studying for them/ writing papers/ finishing final projects, but...I'm a horrible procrastinator and the due dates don't start until Thursday. I wish I wasn't such a bad procrastinator when it comes to school work...
Anyway, another video from youtube! Illyria and Wes (R.I.P)
Anyway, another video from youtube! Illyria and Wes (R.I.P)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
So-Called "Recovery"
Mini-rant, completely unrelated to sci-fi/fantasy or writing:
You know what is horrendous about "recovery" aka pseudo-recovery? When you're a former bulimic like me, you get fat! I miss my underweight BMI gorram it! You still crave food. However, you've lost the "will power" to stick you fingers down your throat until blood and bile pour out every time something passes your lips. The thoughts, the self-loathing, the doubt, the baggy clothes, the obsession with food, the binges, are all still staples of your petty existence, but you don't purge enough to offset the food intake anymore. Laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, spending hours on tread mills, still make appearances in your life, but not enough to prevent weight gain. You should have never tried to "get better". Now you're stuck in limbo, not sick, not diagnosable with an eating disorder, but hating yourself and looking as revolting as ever. There may have always been excess fat, but at least back then you could see rib bones and hip bones when you stood up. *sigh*
You know what is horrendous about "recovery" aka pseudo-recovery? When you're a former bulimic like me, you get fat! I miss my underweight BMI gorram it! You still crave food. However, you've lost the "will power" to stick you fingers down your throat until blood and bile pour out every time something passes your lips. The thoughts, the self-loathing, the doubt, the baggy clothes, the obsession with food, the binges, are all still staples of your petty existence, but you don't purge enough to offset the food intake anymore. Laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, spending hours on tread mills, still make appearances in your life, but not enough to prevent weight gain. You should have never tried to "get better". Now you're stuck in limbo, not sick, not diagnosable with an eating disorder, but hating yourself and looking as revolting as ever. There may have always been excess fat, but at least back then you could see rib bones and hip bones when you stood up. *sigh*
And then you crawl out of the black hole of self-pity and distract yourself with writing or studying...
Dreams (talk about geek!)
Last night I played "Lord of the Realm" with some kids in the Bring Your Own Dice gaming club. They created the game, it was a sort of human risk. The rules were extrmemly complex and some were unclear. It was still pretty awesome, we were sneaking around and double-crossing other teams and giving The Queen silly gifts to win favor. When I went to sleep I had a dream involving the game and Dichen Lachman, Fran Kranz, Amy Acker, Joss Whedon and Nathan Fillion.
We (the whole big group of us that played, about 33 people) where in the middle of the game and then we notice Dichen, Fran and Amy in a darkened conference room. We were all wondering what in the world they were doing on campus. So, I sneaked upstairs to where their room was and I eavesdropped on their conversation. Then somehow I snuck into the room without them noticing. This would have been a great feat of skill because the door was closed, their conference table was pretty close to the door and their room had no lights on but the hallway did. I listened some more, I don't remember what they were talking about exactly, but I think it involved an idea for a new show. When I tried to sneak out to report to everyone else, Fran noticed me. We made eye contact and I smiled sheepishly. He said, "Hi". And I replied in kind and then I walked out. They continued talking as if I had never been there. I told everyone what was going on and then they sent me back upstairs to spy. I stood outside against the wall near the door. I peaked at the edge of the door (the door was mostly glass so they could see out) and Amy Acker chose that moment to look out. She made eye contact and smiled. I smiled back and darted away.
The group of us had all left the building, but we had gotten bored and decided to meet back up and play the game some more. My roommate and I got there and the place was empty except for a cashier selling snacks and two random people eating old burgers and complaining about their taste. This time the conference room was empty. But on the other side of the upstairs, Joss was sitting on the balcony dangling his legs over it and chatting with someone. The upstairs makes a half circle balcony with rooms going off of it. They were talking about using the building as a set and what they needed to change. A wall sudenly disappeared and an architect walked in holding plans. When the wall disappeared blue light flooded the room and we realized it was day.
Later, it was time to go to class so my roommate and I walked out and Joss was walking in with Nathan Fillion. My roommate ran ahead to talk to another friend who happened to be walking by. I smiled at Nathan and he glared back. I ran to catch up with my roommate and told her that he was mean and this made me extremely sad because when we watched Firefly we all picked out who we would marry. I had chosen Mal. My roommate had Simon. My other friend had Book (lol, she was out of the room when we did this and Book was the only one left!), another friend had Jayne, another had Kaylee (she is lesbian) and another had Wash.
In another dream, at least I think it was a seperate dream, FOX had a promotion where they would give a cash prize to the best Joss video. I have no idea why they would do such a thing since they clearly hate Joss. >.< But my friends and I talked about it and we were going to become vampires (for real) and kill a Glory-like character and take over the world! However, a spoof of Dollhouse won before we could get ourselves turned. The video that won only have two characters, Dr. Saunders and Echo. Dr. Saunders was crazy and she was standing over the imprint chair with scissors asking Echo how she'd like her scars. It was funny somehow though...
It was an interesting night in my subconscious indeed.... I'm obviously not obsessed at all...I do not obsess, I think intensely!
We (the whole big group of us that played, about 33 people) where in the middle of the game and then we notice Dichen, Fran and Amy in a darkened conference room. We were all wondering what in the world they were doing on campus. So, I sneaked upstairs to where their room was and I eavesdropped on their conversation. Then somehow I snuck into the room without them noticing. This would have been a great feat of skill because the door was closed, their conference table was pretty close to the door and their room had no lights on but the hallway did. I listened some more, I don't remember what they were talking about exactly, but I think it involved an idea for a new show. When I tried to sneak out to report to everyone else, Fran noticed me. We made eye contact and I smiled sheepishly. He said, "Hi". And I replied in kind and then I walked out. They continued talking as if I had never been there. I told everyone what was going on and then they sent me back upstairs to spy. I stood outside against the wall near the door. I peaked at the edge of the door (the door was mostly glass so they could see out) and Amy Acker chose that moment to look out. She made eye contact and smiled. I smiled back and darted away.
The group of us had all left the building, but we had gotten bored and decided to meet back up and play the game some more. My roommate and I got there and the place was empty except for a cashier selling snacks and two random people eating old burgers and complaining about their taste. This time the conference room was empty. But on the other side of the upstairs, Joss was sitting on the balcony dangling his legs over it and chatting with someone. The upstairs makes a half circle balcony with rooms going off of it. They were talking about using the building as a set and what they needed to change. A wall sudenly disappeared and an architect walked in holding plans. When the wall disappeared blue light flooded the room and we realized it was day.
Later, it was time to go to class so my roommate and I walked out and Joss was walking in with Nathan Fillion. My roommate ran ahead to talk to another friend who happened to be walking by. I smiled at Nathan and he glared back. I ran to catch up with my roommate and told her that he was mean and this made me extremely sad because when we watched Firefly we all picked out who we would marry. I had chosen Mal. My roommate had Simon. My other friend had Book (lol, she was out of the room when we did this and Book was the only one left!), another friend had Jayne, another had Kaylee (she is lesbian) and another had Wash.
In another dream, at least I think it was a seperate dream, FOX had a promotion where they would give a cash prize to the best Joss video. I have no idea why they would do such a thing since they clearly hate Joss. >.< But my friends and I talked about it and we were going to become vampires (for real) and kill a Glory-like character and take over the world! However, a spoof of Dollhouse won before we could get ourselves turned. The video that won only have two characters, Dr. Saunders and Echo. Dr. Saunders was crazy and she was standing over the imprint chair with scissors asking Echo how she'd like her scars. It was funny somehow though...
It was an interesting night in my subconscious indeed.... I'm obviously not obsessed at all...I do not obsess, I think intensely!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Adelle Dewitt (aka Olivia Williams)
I just saw Olivia Williams on Friends! That was a surprise. I do miss "the dragon". She was at Starfury Echo2 this year (along with Fran Kranz [Topher Brink], Dichen Lachman [Sierra/Prya] and Amy Acker [Dr. Saunders/Whiskey] and Liza Lapira [Ivy]). I'm jealous of anyone who got to go. I have, however, met James Marsters, he was so sweet! And Nicholas Brendon (he complimented my Firefly related T-shirt)
The Lab Rat of Awesome
I'm adopting my rat at the end of the semester :) He comes when I call his name!
Apparently rats like to chase their tails to:
Apparently rats like to chase their tails to:
Giles is so cute with his cheerios!
But exploring is so much fun to!
Eliza Dushku
She posted a video on facebook (it involves a happy dance)!!! It was hilarious!
http://www.facebook.com/OfficialElizaDushku#!/video/video.php?v=10150219029967152&oid=162172567134757&comments
http://www.facebook.com/OfficialElizaDushku
http://www.facebook.com/OfficialElizaDushku#!/video/video.php?v=10150219029967152&oid=162172567134757&comments
http://www.facebook.com/OfficialElizaDushku
Thursday, April 14, 2011
CSI
I was watching "Man Up" (CSI, season 11episode 11) because Amy Acker is in it and a quote made my freaking day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I remember his last words, 'We'll always have comic-con.'" AHAHAHAHA!!
"I remember his last words, 'We'll always have comic-con.'" AHAHAHAHA!!
Equality Now
Potential good news! Decriminalizing underage prostitution! It has always been a stupid contradiction. 14 year old me cannot consent to having sex, yet I can be charged as a prostitute?! I hope this gets passed and more states follow suit.
http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/119811709.html
http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/119811709.html
Jossverse
A frakking awesome Joss fan video I found (Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, Firefly/Serenity)
Favorite Mellie/Novemeber/Madeline and Dr. Claire Saunders/Whiskey fanvid
Favorite Winifred "Fred" Burkle fanvid
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"Victim"
"...And I ended up feeling like I was just as guilty as he was...like it was a crime we were committing together and every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I'm the biggest liar in the world." Echo as Susan (portrayed by Elia Dushku) That is one of the most resonate quotes from Joss Whedon's Dollhouse.
I hate the word "victim". I despise it, especially when it is applied to me. I am not a victim. I am a person.
That quote gives me chills because it is exactly how I feel. Apparently, Jane Espenson, with Eliza Dushku's help, can express my own thoughts better than I can. On one hand, that is disheartening, on the other hand, at least someone sort of understands. There is some sexual assault awareness program happening on campus. I understand that awareness is an important thing, but all their blue ribbons and their huge posters with stories are such a trigger. I wonder, does my prejudice and ill will toward men make me just as bad of a person as the average misogynist (most men)? Hm...I guess this is why everyone thinks I am lesbian. Yes, I hate men because the vast majority are juvenile, annoying, egotistical, power-hungry, sadistic, arrogant beings, and I have family members who are gay, but I am not sexually attracted to women. Maybe I am A-sexual.
Dear Rossum,
Where is the dotted line? Show me where to place my pen and you can have 5 years. You don't even have to pay me! Not that they would ever pick me...
On the subject of quotes: "I'm not broken." Damn right, I AM NOT BROKEN! Stop trying to fix me. I am not some damsel in distress, I'm not the weakest link, I am not damaged goods.
I know I'll never be as thin as Amy Acker:
I hate the word "victim". I despise it, especially when it is applied to me. I am not a victim. I am a person.
That quote gives me chills because it is exactly how I feel. Apparently, Jane Espenson, with Eliza Dushku's help, can express my own thoughts better than I can. On one hand, that is disheartening, on the other hand, at least someone sort of understands. There is some sexual assault awareness program happening on campus. I understand that awareness is an important thing, but all their blue ribbons and their huge posters with stories are such a trigger. I wonder, does my prejudice and ill will toward men make me just as bad of a person as the average misogynist (most men)? Hm...I guess this is why everyone thinks I am lesbian. Yes, I hate men because the vast majority are juvenile, annoying, egotistical, power-hungry, sadistic, arrogant beings, and I have family members who are gay, but I am not sexually attracted to women. Maybe I am A-sexual.
Dear Rossum,
Where is the dotted line? Show me where to place my pen and you can have 5 years. You don't even have to pay me! Not that they would ever pick me...
On the subject of quotes: "I'm not broken." Damn right, I AM NOT BROKEN! Stop trying to fix me. I am not some damsel in distress, I'm not the weakest link, I am not damaged goods.
I know I'll never be as thin as Amy Acker:
BUT if I can't be thin, why can't I at least be beautiful like Miracle Laurie? :
I do not mean to imply Amy Acker is "just thin", like Miracle Laurie, she is beautiful. AND of course, both are extremely talented :)
I know this jumped around a lot, but that is why it is called "ramblings". As I've said, I'm not eloquent. I also need to work on being clear and linear. I would love to be a writer, but I don't even know where to start. I'm bummed because there is a screenwriting class at the local community college back home but it is only offered during the regular school year. There is a play writing class here but I have to be a junior and I may have to be a theatre major to get in to the class. Regardless, I wish I could find something I am good at. So far, no such luck, sure I enjoy psychology, but I am average. I want to know if I'm talented at anything.
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